nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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