tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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