I wish I only lived at night.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
