Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
