if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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