Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
