Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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