how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
love makes seman taste better
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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