Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
