The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
