you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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