my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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