I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
