Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
