Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
