i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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