my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
