Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize