it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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