Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
