You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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