Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
