I met the friendliest cop last night
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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