Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize