Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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