there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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