Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Randomize
