I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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