it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
