You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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