call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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