Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
don't judge my taste in strippers
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
