I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I think I won the penis lottery.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
