he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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