then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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