i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize