They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
