the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
