No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
