Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
