Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
that may or may not have been my penis.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
