I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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