My cat gives me a boner
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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