Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
