Your face is a jimmy john
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
