so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
