I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
