WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
