oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
