They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
