My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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