i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
