So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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