Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
