I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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