Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
