12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
a search helicopter?!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
