he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
