he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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