I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize