i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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