I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
