i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
