did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
