My underwear smells like fireworks.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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