Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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