my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
