John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
