hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
